Difference between revisions of "Concordia Lagers"
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² Most matches listed as MVP
² Most matches listed as MVP
== Pertinent Public Announcements ==
== Pertinent Public Announcements ==
20-04-2011 '''No Glory Just Guts'''
20-04-2011 '''No Glory Just Guts'''
Revision as of 12:45, 8 May 2011
"NUNC EST BIBENDUM"
The Concordia Lagers are an exceedingly good looking hattrick team from Queensland, Oceania.
Dominant in beer drinking capacity, managed by the legendary Esquatcho and excessive in their use of the word "coconut", the team has been slowly building to reach their ultimate ambition of world domination and blitzkrieg upon the despots who would defy the ME's need for midfield and/or adequate CA tactic skill ratings.
The team is also partial to a nice post match vat or twenty of lager with a nice juicy meniscus, hence the name you dumbarse!
|Concordia Lagers (423937)|
|Fan Club:||Esquatchos Crazies|
|Captain/Coach||Dodo Dör (GK)|
|Mascot||The Flaming Goat|
|Ground:||Lager Place (Capacity: 52,400 bottles of beer on the wall)|
Sometime around mid 2008 manager Esquatcho was finally persuaded by his German counsin (Ex manager Dars17 of Spacken Barmbek (821924) to get a team together and play this exceedingly nerdy online mmofmg called Hattrick. And on the 30-8-2008 (If you believe the hattrick team history page at least) history was created with the creation of the Concordia Lagers at the end of Oceanian season 24. The first programs manager Esquatcho instituted, was to spend all the available cash on players that were useless, so as to limit the teams ability to effectively start a training regime.
Under the guidance of mentor Toeosrioasdfaasdf or whatever the latest reincarnation of his name is, of the Cromwell Crushers (418504), Esquatcho worked hard through to the start of season 25 to put the club into even further debt. However, in this occasion the gearing of the portfolio was targeted for future investment growth.
Over time, the team improved on the back of a defence training regime and Esquatcho's loan shark creditors were paid off with only minimal knee capping. It was during this initial building period that Esquatcho started involving the team in the black arts to improve ratings further. This successfully earnt the lagers promotion into V and some sort of semblance of competition. As usual, most of the success was more to do with Esquatchos regular blood sacrificies to the HT trinity of the Form Monkey, Injury Gorilla & the HTRF wildebeast.
The Lagers continued training and within 3 seasons had bribed enough officials (in conjunction with the blood sacrifices again) to promote into IV (albeit on the back of an ME fart) with a strong stable of well develop trainees including famous Oceanian players such as 'Count' Numbers 'The Calculator' Pinkus (219578704), Joe 'the' Bogan (237194385), Boyd 'Dont mind me Im always' Laity (243604769) & Wazza Kickett 'to me!' (268119515)
What was unexpected however, was how difficult the IV league they promoted to was. At first IV.40 was tough, but the Lagers could scratch out a half decent living motsing & motsing often against targeted teams. However, the league kept of getting tougher players. None of the sacrifices Esquatcho provided seemed to make a difference. It all really started getting nasty in seasons 30 where IV.40 becames the hardest IV in Oceania. Inexplicably, it kept getting harder with often only a few wins separating 2nd from 7th and culminated in season 32 with IV.40 also being the 7th hardest league in all of Oceania.
Season 33 sees the league still very tough. However, with one team lagging behind & a bot having promoted, at least the Lagers are guaranteed of not autodemoting.
Although it must be said that autodemotion has crossed the minds of all team members at various stages, as they have seen past oposition drop down to V and then rise back up to III in just 2 seasons.
* Details of the clubs history may or may not be accurate.
The Cup Runneth Over
The Lagers best ever cup run (thus far) was in season 29 making it 6 rounds in.
The Lagers have a mandatory minimum cup run length policy of 5 rounds.
|IM||Piercarlo 'Like a' Bosso||2010.08.01||23.45||Head||Anti-CA|
|DIM||Boyd 'I'm always' Laity||2009.05.08||23.67||Powerful||DIM with lots of other skills|
|DIM||Damiano Biancon||2009.08.12||23.18||Head||DIM with a bit of passing|
|DIM||Wazza Kickett 'to me!'||2009.12.07||21.55||Nil||DIM|
|W||Marko Ražnatić||2010.03.18||21.55||Nil||Kick arse youngster|
|W||蔡 (Cai) 寒佳 (Hanjia)||2010.03.15||26.51||Unpr||Oldie power|
|D||'Count' Numbers 'The Calculator' Pinkus||2008.10.01||26.07||Nil||Club Icon|
|GK||'Dead as a' Dodo Dör||2010.10.16||34.31||Nil||Captain/Coach|
|QDF||'Lockitin' Edi Ulmer||2010.12.31||29.107||Quick||Lagers Attack|
|D||Valeriy Kravets||2011.03.21||24.88||Nil||Defensive Wing Back|
|D||Peter Urbansson||2010.08.06||31.108||Nil||OWB & SP Taker|
The rest are just future coaches or filler crap, don't worry about 'em!
End of Season Awards
The following table highlights award recipients at the annual Lagers 'laugh 'n' barf' awards ceremony. All of the clubs greats get together for this special night hosted by the benevolent dictator Esquatcho.
¹ Most goals in league, cup or qualifiers
² Most matches listed as MVP
Pertinent Public Announcements
08-05-2011 ME Fartage
"WTF, who farted?" Is all that manager Esquatcho could say after todays match against Delicious Cake, lost 4-0.
Winning possession by 66%, the Lagers just couldnt get a goal away & conversely Cake managed to basically score every shot they got.
Rumour has it that the ME flatulence is due to coach Dodo Dor accidentally leaving his morning breakfast of baked beans on the sacrificial altar.
Only Julio knows what fhugly must have done to get the ME on his side so far. He is now definitely favourite to win the league this season. Esquatcho believes there must be some sort of illegal grass being fed to the HTRF wildebeast. However, as yet police have been unable to find any evidence.
20-04-2011 No Glory Just Guts
Entrails are splattered everywhere as Esquatcho took a leaf out of Jane Doe's textbook after todays painful cup loss and went on a nude chainsaw massacre around the Lagers corporate box.
As a consequence, fan mood has dropped to a season low of 'satisfied' and sponsors are now on 'high on death'.
Marketing is now looking for new sponsors, so if anyone has a spare 10 bucks they could chuck in to keep the team running, it would be appreciated.
The high stakes gamble was on a blended target strategy this week, aiming to balance the teams trainees between both the league and cup matches. As usual when Esquatcho has attempted this strategy in the past few seasons, it backfired spectacularly and the Lagers have lost both matches.
Neither Esquatcho, nor coach Dor were able to be interviewed as both have slipped on the bloody mess and are claiming workers compo for elbow injuries sustained.
17-04-2011 The hat has been eaten
In the leadup to todays match against Vipers, manager Esquatcho made the significant error of bragging to senior Lagers staff that "We are going to target them hard & we are going to win! If we dont, I will eat my hat!"
As a consequence, a wager was made & in vain arrogance Esquatcho made sure to wear his toughest buffalo hide hat to the match....
Esquatcho was last seen still chewing.
It is estimated that he will take the night to finish.... That is if he doesnt get lock-jaw first.
08-04-2011 Form monkey overcompensation
After the banana debacle last week (which manager Esquatcho still refutes), it seems the form monkey has had a change of heart.
The team gained back a significant amount of form with a +10/-4 update.
However, this has only fueled speculation that the form monkey enjoys Esquatchos farts and pubes and has actually searched him out to provide more of his bodily pleasures.
Fans are excited about the potential of their beloved manager copulating with the form monkey. However, the authorities are somewhat concerned and are currently investigating.
Manager Esquatcho also refutes these allegations, although he has hinted that perhaps there may be, or has been, some sort of union between the form monkey and his favourite pet flaming goat. Should the hints be true, it would leave open the possiblity of a flaming gonkey love child. Like the pheonix, this mythical creature could spell hope for all of humanity.
And dont we all need a bit of hope sometimes?
01-04-2011 The great banana debacle
In breaking news, sensational allegations have surfaced that manager Esquatcho has been farting on and rubbing on his pubes on the sacrificial bananas used to pacify the form monkey in the Lagers weekly ceremony.
An unnamed whistle blower is quoted as saying "Yeah I saw him take the bananas behind the shed and when they came back they smelled funny. I also noticed some short curly dark hairs caught in the top of the bunch"
Lagers fans have been disgusted at the revelations, but are standing resolute behind their fearless leader.
However, the allegations have been backed by the form monkey chuck norris roundhouse kicking a large portion of the team, with this weeks form update coming in at a dismal +3 / -12. The largers have not had such bad form since the clubs first full season.
As yet, manager esquatcho has avoided comment.
27-03-2011 Esquatcho - Head in a bucket
Was all all that could be heard as Manager Esquatcho tried to drown himself in a melted gatorade ice bucket after the 1st match of the season.
Team coach Dodo Dor tried in vain to stop him and eventually it was only Esquatcho's pitiful fear of death that prevented him from following through.
The result of todays thrashing by the royrogers led tigers is a similar result to that again Mullacs in the 1st match of last season. It seems the Lagers have lost one bogey team, only to gain another. Only this one is even stronger!
Based on ratings put up by all the teams in IV.40, it looks like it will be a long and painful season for the Lagers....
16-03-2011 150 Numbers
Today marks a historical occasion for Lagers stalwart Numbers Pinkus. Known as the 'The Calculator' or 'The Count', this great player with the best name in Oceania will play his 150th match for the Lagers today.
As part of the annual Oceanian End of Season Challenge, Numbers will be playing out of position on the wing to try to povide a bit of defensive starch.
Manager Esquatcho was originally unaware of this momentus milestone until NatTheRat came along, slapped him upside the head and told him to not be such a roflma-hole and give Numbers some credit.
As such, Manager Esquatcho has presented his ticket to the scumbags (570471) bunga-bunga paty in Denmark to Numbers as a bonus. He has also sent a PM to JaneDoe asking her to go easy on his star defender. The last thing the Lagers need is Numbers coming back with appendages removed via chainsaw for doing something stupid in front of Jane.
Manager Esquatcho was last seen skipping away into the sunset with his flaming goat and the form monkey hand in hand with each other.
After finally defeating bogey team Mullacs in the last match of the season, manager Esquatcho could only repeat the word "Yeeeehhaaahhh" in a high pitch over & over again, whilst waving his hand around his head and pretending to be riding a bucking bull.
Unfortunately he was only wearing chaps at the time.
Still, the fans of the Lagers will be dancing in the streets the whole off season, happy in the knowledge that if it werent for a few dud refs calls and ME Farts earlier in the season, they would be riding into 1st in the hardest league in Div IV Oceania.
"Coming 2nd is still a great achievement for the lads and we will be getting into the moonshine and chewing tobacco shortly to celebrate." Captain/Coach Dodo Dor said after the match. "Next season, the league looks like it might be a tad easier, so hopefully we can go one better".
05-12-2010 Round 1 of new season ends 2-5
"RRRRaaaAaaaarrrrrgghghhhhh!" Is all that was managed to be heard from manager Esquatcho as he laid down vast swaths of destruction across the countryside.
Everyone, please ensure that he is not given and further destruction causeing intruments such as chainsaws, Rhino's and/or flaming goats.
14-11-2010 5th it is
Manager Esquatcho was asked for comment about the Lagers season recently:
"Well it was pretty crap really, but we have a chance in next weeks qualifier to send out a message. And not one about our sexuality, but rather to show that next season we will be a team not to be trifled with. That we can win under pressure and the PPP is not our only decent tactic. We can use the excuse of being in the hardest IV all we want, but the reality is that our fans expect so much more."
The Lagers certainly look like the can win the qualifier being odds on favourites. But they have lost games like this throughout the season.
Irrespective, it is looking like IV.40 is a good chance to maintain its intense levels of hatstats and compete to be the hardest IV in Oceania once more.
11-11-2010 Can we do it? Yes we can!
After a frankly piss poor effort this year, the Lagers team have been told by manager Esquatcho that they can thank their lucky stars they arent all out on the street begging for crusts of bread from sold hearted passers by.
Sure a lot of luck went against the team this season, but manager Esquatcho is at least seeming to be consoled by the fact that the team is still young and learning to be more cohesive in the midfield.
It is almost 100% certain that the Lagers will be facing a relegation playoff for the 1st time ever in IV. Manager Esquatcho has been seen sacrificing Vodkabulcanuts to the flaming goat and all the various HT dieties including the form monkey, injury gorilla and HTRF wildebeast.
Heres hoping it works!
02-08-2010 A new Season & a new lineup
To futher the Lagers aims of world domination, a decision has been made to change the player roster.
Eric Anderstedt has left with the clubs blessings and has been replaced by Italian Stallion Edigio Galasso. Rumour has it that he has already impregnated 5 different women in manager Esquatcho's office. None of the women were particularly happy as he was found to be exceedingly [quick] in between the sheets.
Another Italian has also come to the club. Piercarlo Bosso, has already started showing Galasso who's bosso by winning the hearts of all the women in the club. None were impregnated, but he has developed a reputation for giving good [head].
Bosso replaces trainee Gerard Deletraz who has moved onto brighter pastures. Lagers management expects midfield to suffer slightly, but are happy with having a younger trainee who will hopefully improve quickly. Bosso and Unamunzaga have fast developed a close friendship that will hopefully last for a long time to come.
10-04-2010 Player Movements
Just like his bowels, manager Esquatcho likes to have a regular player movement just to free up a bit of space & lighten the team.
Due to a lack of space in this report, things have had to be paraphrased:
Outs: Sartorius, Angermann, Davidson, Eanes, Macao, Voin & Kuylen
Ins: Dodo Dör, Hannu Värtö, Erik Anderstedt & Gérald Deletraz
Dör has been selected due to having a name funny enough to rival Numbers Pinkus (Dont worry Numbers, you are still our favourite though!) Dodo, unlike his namesake is also still alive, although quite old. One day he may even become the teams coach.
24-03-2010 Welcome to the new player
Today manager Esquatcho announced the purchase of new midfielder Axular Unamunzaga:
"Axelar not only has a great name, but we see him as being an integral part of our club going forward. Our new direction sees us getting rid of the geriatric farts in the midfield and filling them with nice young boys with the head speciality. While Axelars skill might not yet be fully up to scratch, he shows great promise and we expect him to fully be hitting his straps in a seasons time. And did I mention his name was awesome!? "
Esquatcho wasnt so clear on what to expect in the future for the rest of the team, merely spitting his chewing tobacco on the floor & drawling something about hickory sticks.
29-01-2010 Cup run heating up
Well its official. The Lagers are through to the 6th round of the cup for the first time ever. At first everyone forgot and so there was minimal celebration in the dressing rooms.
Only today, when the Wynnum independant newspaper published the story did it actually come to light. "Holy S**tballs Robin" Manager Esquatcho was heard saying after reading the artical.
The bookies are putting the lagers as underdogs to progress to round 7, although manager Esquatcho has other ideas "A warning to all cup opponents. Will will MOTS & we will MOTS often! subject to form, stamina and injury updates..."
21-12-2009 The Lagers Promote!
After what is commonly accepted as being a massive ME fart, the Lagers are going up to Div IV!
Manager Esquatcho was both excited and wary upong hearing the news "We're all dooomed!" he was heard saying.
Certainly it will be a tough season with the Lagers promoting to IV.40, the 2nd harders IV in Oceanian last season.
It was understood that the long term plan was to promote in 1-2 season in the future. Seems, this has been put forward somewhat. However, rest assured the lagers will not go down without a fight.
Manager Esquatcho finished with this: "To all IV.40 teams, be wary, we will MOTS and we will MOTS often!"
14-12-2009 New Coach for the Largers!
Today manager Esquatcho has given former coach Kasper Suys the boot. Last seen shouting "Gorn git ya mungrel and dont come back!", it is understood Esquatcho was not happy with the outcomes of a vicious stolen team banana debacle. TS had dropped to murderous and Esquatcho felt something had to be done prior to the teams important promotion qualification in one weeks time. "Sometimes you just have to lance the boil" Esquatcho was quoted earlier.
To fill the interim position, team favourite Tanju Salat has been promoted into the coaching role, making him the teams first player/coach at just 29 years old. "Well he's got a lot of experience for a youngster, is well like by the boys and always leads from the front, be it during our strip club visits or banana/coconut/virgin chicken sacrifices to the form monkey, injury gorilla or HTRF. Now I just have to sort out that stinkin' old fart!"
The question is, will the new coach make a difference come qualifier time?
19-11-2009 2 for 1 trades
Today sees the shock sale of popular defender Jesus *Christo Superstar* Santiago. It is reported that the sale was the largest profit on a player ever in the Lagers history.
As an attacking defender, Jesus was know as the rock of Concordias central defence and, combined with Numbers Pinkus, provided an impenetrable core throughout the past season. However, it seems the money was too hard to turn down for manager Esquatcho. He was last seen taking a bath in $100 notes.
In a short turnaround however, the Lagers have bolstered their midfield stocks. Anders Fyhrwald and Eduardt Angermann join the Lagers from previous success in Europe. While both are very experienced campaigners, there are some doubts about their ability to reclaim their glory days. Manager Esquatcho however, seems to think they will be superstars in V.29 - "Are you kidding, these two may be decrepid old hags, but they are very, very skillful decrepid old hags!"
02-07-2009 Friendly Despair
A teary eyed Esquatcho was seen moping through the corridors of Lager stadium yesterday, still shocked by losing 3-0 at home to the Ferret footbal club. "Ai, ai ,ai, why have you forsaken me HTRF? Please provide us with goals in the return leg, Ill sacrifice my favourite Llama! Please bring back my luck!" Esquatcho was seen watching a Wind in the Willows DVD to gain inside tactical information of the lives of Badgers shortly after this statement.
Rumour has it that the Badgers had been feeding Red Arthur performance enhancing ground dwelling rodents and honey. If true, this will be a revelation in football, with these foods not current being listed as banned products.
All we know is that the return leg will be a cracking game, with the Lagers up against the Badger hole wall and the Badgers trying to dig them deeper underground.
26-06-2009 Friendly Domination
Fresh from tying up Northcote United and whipping them with birch twigs, manager Esquatcho has fronted the media today:
"By the power of coconuts I am victorious! Hail me, emperor coconutter!
TT must do my dehusking and clean up the disused coconut halves my hula girls have outgrown. Fear me, fear my power!
The next round of FAF friendlies is against the badger football club. Esquatcho was not scared today: "Arent badgers just glorified ferrets?"
04-03-2009 New Defender
Hear that people? Its the sweet sound of a beat up, muffler-less, V8 Falco revving.
See that people? Its a red checkered flannie worn over a wifebeater singlet and rugby shorts.
Smell that people? Its the sweet stench of ciggies, booze & vomit.
Yes, Joe Bogan has joined the lagers to team up with Numbers Pinkus on the defensive wings. Manager Esquatcho has this to say: "Hes a good lad, should be a good trainee for us and I like his style.... And he knows a couple of easy ladies"
28-02-2009 New Coach
In breaking news, manager Esquatcho has fired coach Mesa! Mesa was caught having an affair with Esquatcho's form monkey. "Nobody touches my monkey and gets away with it!" was heard being yelled out of Esquatchos office this afternoon. A new coach has already been appointed. Kasper Suys comes from FC Giltoniel in Switzerland. "He is an ugly and old bastard so I wont have to keep one eye on the monkey all the time" Esquatcho is quoted.
11-02-2009 The streak ends (16 consecutive wins)
"This was the loss we had to have!" coach mesa has reported to the gathered media. "We only managed to find Esquatcho early this morning & we simply didnt come prepared. In hindsight we might have had a chance if we played our A side and played more attacking, but thats football - highs higher than Icarus and lows lower than integer overflows." When Esquatcho was asked for comment he refused, but was heard muttering under his breath "friggen cheats".
04-02-2009 Cup Win!
The stands are partying like mad as the Lagers have made round 3 of the cup. The finish was a nail biter with the opposition scoring 2 late goals to come within 1 of a tie. It has since been revealed that no penalty lineup had been set by manager Esquatcho. Angry staff tried to corner him to get answers why such a vital thing was left undone, but he burst through them with his shirt over his head, a groupie over his shoulder and a lager in one hand, shouting "woot,woot,woot".
03-02-2009 15 Consecutive wins!
"Well its been a great run," said manager esquatcho "but I doubt it can last. The next two games are going to be tough for the boys. We have been sacrificing to the alfalfa gods, but realistically we are going to have to pick one to win & one to lose. " It is understood coach Mesa has been training the lads armed with morning stars and chain mail to try and get a bit more fight in their attack.
Following their impressive win in the last match of the season, the lagers have for the first time hit top position in the league. Coming with it will be auto-promotion to V.29. Coach Esquatcho was very proud of the boys this season. After the match all he could do was run aroung the dressing room cradling a vat of lager with a nice juicy meniscus yelling "Yickadee, yickadee, yickadee". Lets hope he can regain some composure by next season as it looks like it will be a tough group to be in!
03-11-2008 The curse of the midfield
Esquatchos crazies attempted voodo ritual to improve the teams fortunes seems to have backfired. It appears some lager spilled onto the sacrificial duck and mixed into its blood. The outcome has been open sores and lesions on several MF's legs causing them to be hurt in this weeks game. One treating doctor is quoted as saying "This is something not unlike leprosy crossed with gangreen. We have the area in lockdown. Lets hope it doesnt spread". Indeed, lets hope it doesnt!
17-10-2008 The Form Monkey
Manager Esquatcho has gone into hiding after the form monkey went on a rampage through the squad during training this week.
One bystander is quoted as saying "It was like a Godzilla remake! Players were flying through the air as the form monkey swept through the grounds!".
Coach Marco fronted the press: "On the positive side, the beasts interruption seems to have helped stamina training as the guys fled for their lives. Now we just have to find where Esquatcho's hiding."
11-10-2008 New Season
Tomorrow marks the start of the first full season under new manager Esquatcho Mundo for the Lagers. Working hard through the end of last season to put the club into as much debt as possible, he is hoping that the club can improve on last season and payback the moneys owing to the mexican loan sharks. If not, Esquatcho may be looking for new knee caps by the end of the season. "Eh Julio!" he wast last heard saying. Ominous signs for both the Lagers and their competitors in VI.861 this season.