Tight Butthole Derby
From Hattrick
 View of the streets of Berwyn, Pennsylvania, USA, after a LOAF'S LOAFS home loss in PK's on 16 Dec, 2011. | |
| First Match | 09.16.2010 |
| Country |  USA
|
| Region | Pennsylvania |
| Zone | North America |
| Stadiums | The Bakery and Deez Memorial Stadium |
| Teams | Battle Toads FC& LOAF'S LOAFS |
| Fan club | The Yeast Army (1900 Fans as of 3/12/12) |
| League | V.54 (USA) |
LOAF'S LOAFS is an American soccer club originating in Pennsylvania, more specifically in the suburban-Philadelphia area. It plays its home games at The Bakery in Series V.54, USA. The team's only rival is Battle Toads FC (BTFC). Scarves and bottle openers are available at our online store for painfully high prices.
Battles
Statistics
| Nat. | Player | Goals | Hattricks | NT | U20 | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
Russ Werewolf Fontaine 
|
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Owns a corn farm in Nebraska |
|
Emmanuel Chávez
|
128 | 5 | 0 | 0 | Served 2 years in prison for Drug Trafficking |
|
Peer Hansen
|
21 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Has 2 children with Tennis Star Caroline Wozniacki |
|
|
Darryl Wilks
|
2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Started losing his hair at age 12 |
|
Thibaud Lucas
|
87 | 7 | 0 | 0 | Wears 3 shirts under his jersey due to embarrassment of large nipples |
|
|
Cary Dobson
|
9 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Once shaved unibrow at a benefit fundraising event, raised $300,000 |
|
Emil Jopek
|
104 | 9 | 0 | 0 | Has dedicated his next 25 goals to his dog, Cassy |
|
|
Jason Fortier
|
7 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Has been married 6 times |
|
Guido Alvisi
|
16 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Balances football career with recurring role on MTV's "The Jersey Shore" |
|
|
Mikey Balsiger
|
16 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Does not know the capital of the USA |
|
|
Edgar Engelen
|
8 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Mother was a prostitute |
|
Miroslav Žerak
|
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Used to wear a monocle |
|
Frederic Zorro Busquets
|
22 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Hosts a children's educational series, shown weekly on PBS |
|
|
Austin March
|
8 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Is black. |
|
|
Àlex Jové
|
171 | 11 | 0 | 0 | Thinks Mexicans speak jibberish. |
|
Leif Bernerberg
|
54 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Remembers when he used to matter to soccer teams. |
|
Niklas Koch
|
72 | 8 | 0 | 0 | Single-season goal scoring record holder with 21 |
|
Ryan Urner
|
78 | 8 | 0 | 0 | LOAF'S all-time goal scoring record holder with 63 |
|
Andrey Stoyanov
|
54 | 5 | 0 | 0 | Probably came here to learn English, because he sure as hell didn't come to play soccer. |
|
Terencjusz Myszko
|
12 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Trademarked "Fear the unibrow" first. |
The George Bush Memorial Award
This award is awarded after every season to the player that has accumulated the highest combination of Red and Yellow cards.
Red cards being worth 3 points, and Yellow cards being worth 1.
