Tight Butthole Derby
 View of the streets of Berwyn, Pennsylvania, USA, after a LOAF'S LOAFS home loss in PK's on 16 Dec, 2011. | |
| First Match | 09.16.2010 |
| Country |  USA
|
| Region | Pennsylvania |
| Zone | North America |
| Stadiums | The Bakery and Deez Memorial Stadium |
| Teams | Battle Toads FC& LOAF'S LOAFS |
The Tight Butthole Derby is an American Derby originating in Pennsylvania, more specifically in the suburban-Philadelphia area. The teams consist of Battle Toads FC and LOAF'S LOAFS. A total of 26 people have died in the aftermath of such a heated rivalry, which has seen many intense matches since its inauguration on September 16th, 2010.
Battles
Statistics
| Date | Type | Venue | Score | Winner | Goals | Series to date |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 9-16-2010 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Urner (1), Brych (1), Gamarra (1) | 1-0 LL W1 |
| 10-14-2010 | Friendly | The Bakery | 3-2 | LL | Urner (2), Sherril (1, 2), Lytle (1), Andersz (1) | 2-0 LL W2 |
| 11-8-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 4-1 | BTFC | Lorion (1), Mosley (1), Nicoló (1), Kansala (1), Vahasaari (1) | 2-1 LL L1 |
| 12-6-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 7-1 | BTFC | Nicoló (2), Mosley (2,3,4), Andersz (2,3,4), Benavides | 2-2 L2 |
| 1-6-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 0-1 | BTFC | Sampayo (1) 105' | 3-2 BTFC W3 |
| 3-7-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Visentin (1), Carmo (1), Aranda (1) | 3-3 W1 |
| 3-10-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 2-0 | BTFC | Kansala (2), Lorion (2) | 4-3 BTFC W1 |
| 4-18-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-5 | LL | Ulstrup (1), Aranda (2), Koch (1), Ciesielski (1), Vahasaari (2) | 4-4 W1 |
| 6-6-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Urner (3), Holmes (1), Koch (2) | 5-4 LL W2 |
| 7-7-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-0 | LL | Ulstrup (2) | 6-4 LL W3 |
| 8-8-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Lucas (1), Ciesielski (2), Visentin (2) | 7-4 LL W4 |
| 9-26-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Lucas (2), Visentin (3), Urner (4) | 8-4 LL W5 |
| 10-27-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 3-1 | BTFC | Koch (3), Mosley (5), Swartz (1), Nasierowski (1) | 8-5 LL L1 |
| 12-8-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-2 | LL | Visentin (4), Benavides (1) | 9-5 LL W1 |
| 2-16-2012 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-1 (3-4) | BTFC | Balsiger (2), Loeffen (1) | 9-6 LL L1 |
| 4-16-2012 | Tournament | Neutral | 3-0 | LL | Harman (2), Alvisi (1) | 10-6 LL W1 |
| 9-27-2012 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 1-0 (114') | BTFC | Mosley (6) | 10-7 BTFC W1 |
| 10-15-2012 | Tournament | Neutral | 1-0 | BTFC | Mosley (7) | 10-8 BTFC W2 |
| 10-26-2012 | Single Game | Neutral | 1-0 | BTFC | Juan Carlos Hortúa (1) | 10-9 BTFC W3 |
| 11-14-2012 | Single Game | Neutral | 3-0 | LL | Emmerich Lessmeister, Peer Hansen, Alvisi (2) | 11-9 LL W1 |
| 11-20-2012 | Single Game | Neutral | 0-0 (4-1) | BTFC | N/A | 11-10 LL L1 |
| 11-22-2012 | Friendly | The Bakery | 2-0 | BTFC | Fukowski (1), Loeffen (2) | 11-11 BTFC W2 |
| 11-24-2012 | Single Game | Neurtal | 2-1 | LL | Lessmeister (1), Caneva (1)Harry (1) | 12-11 LL W1 |
| 11-26-2012 | Single Game | Neurtal | 1-0 | LL | Lessmeister (3) | 13-11 LL W2 |
| 12-10-2012 | Tournament | Neutral | 1-0 | LL | Engelen (1) | 14-11 LL W3 |
| 12-25-2012 | Single Game | Neutral | 2-1 | BTFC | Harry (2), Bronk, Lessmeister (4) | 14-12 LL L1 |
| 1-1-2013 | Single Game | Neutral | 2-0 | BTFC | Stoffel Vrede (1,2) | 14-13 LL L2 |
| 1-14-2013 | Tournament | Neutral | 2-0 | LL | Caneva (2), Baliger (3) | 15-13 LL W1 |
| 2-19-2013 | Single Game | Neutral | 2-1 | BTFC | Koivukorpi, Lorion (3), Caneva (3) | 15-14 LL L1 |
| 4-1-2013 | Tournament | Neutral | 3-2 | BTFC | Bronk (2), Vrede (3), Harry (3), Balsiger (4), Caneva (4) | 15-15 LL L2 |
| 4-5-2013 | Single Game | Neutral | 2-1 | LL | Brunner, Lessmesiter (5), Vrede (4) | 16-15 LL W1 |
| 4-25-2013 | Single Game | Neutral | 5-0 | LL | Brunner (2),Caneva x2 (6), Lessmesiter (6), A. Johnson | 17-15 LL W2 |
| 6-18-2013 | Tournament | Neutral | 7-0 | LL | Caneva x2 (8), Lessmesiter x3 (9), A. Johnson (2), Luis Carlos Acero | 18-15 LL W3 |
| 11-14-2013 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-3 | BTFC | Hood, Pilbeck x2 (2), Kolvukorpi | 18-16 BTFC W1 |
| 12-2-2013 | Tournament | Neutral | 6-0 | LL | Lessmeister x2 (11), Brunner x2 (4), Overton, Irvin | 19-16 LL W1 |
| 1-13-2014 | Tournament | Neutral | 6-0 | LL | Lessmeister x2 (13), A. Johnson x2 (4), Brunner (5), Acero (2), Cheek | 20-16 LL W2 |
Scorers
- Only those that have scored multiple times will be listed. In bold are players no longer with BTFC or LL.
| Player | Team | Goals |
|---|---|---|
| Emmerich Lessmeister | LL | 13 |
| Tiziano Caneva | LL | 8 |
| Scott Mosley | BTFC | 7 |
| Kendrick Brunner | LL | 5 |
| Johnny Visentin | LL | 4 |
| Ryan Urner | LL | 4 |
| Rafal Andersz | BTFC | 4 |
| Stoffel Vrede | BTFC | 4 |
| Mikey Balsiger | LL | 4 |
| Abel Johnson | LL | 4 |
| Nicholas Koch | LL | 3 |
| Jean Lorion | BTFC | 3 |
| Howie Harry | BTFC | 3 |
| Ireneusz Bronk | BTFC | 2 |
| Alvar Pilbeck | BTFC | 2 |
The George Bush Memorial Award
This award is given after every season to the player that has accumulated the highest combination of Red and Yellow cards.
Red cards being worth 3 points, and Yellow cards being worth 1. There is also a 1 point bonus for scoring in the same match that you received a card, as well as 3 points awarded for instigating an injury.
Season 49
Assholes were tight as the teams met for the first and only time in a week 16 friendly. The score was 0-0 after 90', and in extra time, in the 113th minute to be exact, LL's Scott Johnson both won the GB Award and lost the match for his team, receiving his 2nd yellow of the game and an expulsion, and BTFC would score just a minute later on a tired and crumbled defense.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Scott Johnson | LL | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 3 |
| Cary Dobson | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 48
A new low had occurred in 48 as the teams played just once. Tensions were high in this tournament game as the clubs understood the consequences. Gerard Harman took home the trophy in a 3-0 win, scoring 2 goals and a yellow.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Gerard Harman | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Eli Loeffen | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 47
47 saw 2 matches of disappointing rage. Mikey Balsiger won the award despite being known for his relaxed, pot-smoking hippy-like ways with a meager 2 points.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mikey Balsiger | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Tyree Swartz | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Jason Fortier | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 46
The teams played 3 times as well this season, LL taking 2 of 3. Fans were enraged at the idea that Thibaud Lucas, Ryan Urner, and Tyree Swartz would have to share the award after receiving 2 points each, as the idea of sharing "goes against every single ideal and logic that the award stands for." Consequently, a new rule was in place, calling on the leading members of each fan group to have a knife fight to the death. The Yeast Army's Jason Alexander, also known as George from 90's sitcom "Seinfeld," was laid to rest later that day and now has a memorial outside The Bakery, LL's stadium. The trophy belonged to BTFC's Swartz.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Ryan Urner | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Thibaud Lucas | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Tyree Swartz | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Leo Kapus | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Mikey Balsiger | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Juliusz Fukowski | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Heiko Betzenberg | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 45
The teams played 3 times in 45, with LL taking all matches. The first matchup of the season was a Series VI matchup at Deez Memorial, and saw a record amount of cards as LL played unbearably aggressive both on and off the ball (4 yellows and 1 red total, 2 and 1 for LL, respectively).
As expected, Billy Holmes, runner-up in 44, broke David Carmo's points record of Season 43, posting a dramatic 9 points as the trophy returned to The Bakery.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Billy Holmes | LL | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 (329938937) | 9 |
| Tyree Swartz | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 (329938937) | 4 |
| David Carmo | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Ireneusz Bronk | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Scott Mosley | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Hans-Martin Durisch | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 44
The teams played 4 times in Season 44, with BTFC taking 3 of 4. Despite the first 2 games having no cards, the last 2 games were more than enough to satisfy an eager crowd.
Only 1 injury occurred in the 4 games, that being an unforced twisted ankle. BTFC's Jouni Kansala was the winner, who also posted a third place in Season 43.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Jouni Kansala | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Billy Holmes | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Tyrone Lytle | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Giancarlo Lamagna | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 43
The teams played 3 times this season, LL taking 2 of the 3 matches. A total of 4 yellows and 1 red were taken, accompanied by 3 injuries (1 forced). David Carmo set the inaugural record for points in the GB Award with 7.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| David Carmo | LL | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 Aschwanden (298423545) | 7 |
| Tomas Vahasaari | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Jouni Kansala | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Dusan Zunic | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
