Tight Butthole Derby
 View of the streets of Berwyn, Pennsylvania, USA, after a LOAF'S LOAFS home loss in PK's on 16 Dec, 2011. | |
| First Match | 09.16.2010 |
| Country |  USA
|
| Region | Pennsylvania |
| Zone | North America |
| Stadiums | The Bakery and Deez Memorial Stadium |
| Teams | Battle Toads FC& LOAF'S LOAFS |
| Fan club | The Yeast Army (1900 Fans as of 3/12/12) |
| League | V.54 (USA) |
LOAF'S LOAFS is an American soccer club originating in Pennsylvania, more specifically in the suburban-Philadelphia area. It plays its home games at The Bakery in Series V.54, USA. The team's only rival is Battle Toads FC (BTFC). Scarves and bottle openers are available at our online store for painfully high prices.
Battles
Statistics
| Date | Type | Venue | Score | Winner | Goals | Series to date |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 9-16-2010 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Urner (1), Brych (1), Gamarra (1) | 1-0 LL W1 |
| 10-14-2010 | Friendly | The Bakery | 3-2 | LL | Urner (2), Sherril (1, 2), Lytle (1), Andersz (1) | 2-0 LL W2 |
| 11-8-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 4-1 | BTFC | Lorion (1), Mosley (1), Nicoló (1), Kansala (1), Vahasaari (1) | 2-1 LL L1 |
| 12-6-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 7-1 | BTFC | Nicoló (2), Mosley (2,3,4), Andersz (2,3,4), Benavides | 2-2 L2 |
| 1-6-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 0-1 | BTFC | Sampayo (1) 105' | 3-2 BTFC W3 |
| 3-7-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Visentin (1), Carmo (1), Aranda (1) | 3-3 W1 |
| 3-10-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 2-0 | BTFC | Kansala (2), Lorion (2) | 4-3 BTFC W1 |
| 4-18-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-5 | LL | Ulstrup (1), Aranda (2), Koch (1), Ciesielski (1), Vahasaari (2) | 4-4 W1 |
| 6-6-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Urner (3), Holmes (1), Koch (2) | 5-4 LL W2 |
| 7-7-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-0 | LL | Ulstrup (2) | 6-4 LL W3 |
| 8-8-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Lucas (1), Ciesielski (2), Visentin (2) | 7-4 LL W4 |
| 9-26-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Lucas (2), Visentin (3), Urner (4) | 8-4 LL W5 |
| 10-27-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 3-1 | BTFC | Koch (3), Mosley (5), Swartz (1), Nasierowski (1) | 8-5 LL L1 |
| 12-8-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-2 | LL | Visentin (4), Benavides (1) | 9-5 LL W1 |
| 2-16-2012 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-1 (3-4) | BTFC | Balsiger (2), Loeffen (1) | 9-6 LL L1 |
| 4-16-2012 | Tournament | Neutral | 3-0 | LL | Harman (2), Alvisi (1) | 10-6 LL W1 |
The George Bush Memorial Award
This award is given after every season to the player that has accumulated the highest combination of Red and Yellow cards.
Red cards being worth 3 points, and Yellow cards being worth 1. There is also a 1 point bonus for scoring in the same match that you received a card, as well as 3 points awarded for instigating an injury.
Season 46
The teams played 3 times as well this season, LL taking 2 of 3. Fans were enraged at the idea that Thibaud Lucas, Ryan Urner, and Tyree Swartz would have to share the award after receiving 2 points each, as the idea of sharing "goes against every single ideal and logic that the award stands for." Consequently, a new rule was in place, calling on the leading members of each fan group to have a knife fight to the death. The Yeast Army's Jason Alexander, also known as George from 90's sitcom "Seinfeld," was laid to rest later that day and now has a memorial outside The Bakery, LL's stadium. The trophy belonged to BTFC's Swartz.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Ryan Urner | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Thibaud Lucas | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Tyree Swartz | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 |
| Leo Kapus | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Mikey Balsiger | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Juliusz Fukowski | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Heiko Betzenberg | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 45
The teams played 3 times in 45, with LL taking all matches. The first matchup of the season was a Series VI matchup at Deez Memorial, and saw a record amount of cards as LL played unbearably aggressive both on and off the ball (4 yellows and 1 red total, 2 and 1 for LL, respectively).
As expected, Billy Holmes, runner-up in 44, broke David Carmo's points record of Season 43, posting a dramatic 9 points as the trophy returned to The Bakery.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Billy Holmes | LL | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 (329938937) | 9 |
| Tyree Swartz | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 (329938937) | 4 |
| David Carmo | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Ireneusz Bronk | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Scott Mosley | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Hans-Martin Durisch | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 44
The teams played 4 times in Season 44, with BTFC taking 3 of 4. Despite the first 2 games having no cards, the last 2 games were more than enough to satisfy an eager crowd.
Only 1 injury occurred in the 4 games, that being an unforced twisted ankle. BTFC's Jouni Kansala was the winner, who also posted a third place in Season 43.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Jouni Kansala | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Billy Holmes | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Tyrone Lytle | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Giancarlo Lamagna | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
Season 43
The teams played 3 times this season, LL taking 2 of the 3 matches. A total of 4 yellows and 1 red were taken, accompanied by 3 injuries (1 forced). David Carmo set the inaugural record for points in the GB Award with 7.
| Player | Team | Yellows | Reds | Bonus (Goal + Card in same game) | Caused Injury | Total Points |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| David Carmo | LL | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 Aschwanden (298423545) | 7 |
| Tomas Vahasaari | LL | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 |
| Jouni Kansala | BTFC | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Dusan Zunic | LL | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
