LOAF'S LOAFS
 The LOAF'S LOAFS Unofficial Logo, featuring its slogan "LONG LIVE THE LOAF," also known simply as "LLTL" | |
| Birthdate | 08.10.2010 |
| Country |  USA
|
| Region | Pennsylvania |
| Zone | North America |
| Stadium | The Bakery |
| Rival | Battle Toads FC |
| Fan club | The Yeast Army (1900 Fans as of 3/12/12) |
| League | V.54 (USA) |
| Home Match Kits | 
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| Home Match Kits | 
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| Current Coach | Terencjusz "Terrence" Myszko  (Since 11-2-11)
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| Past Coaches | George Strange (08/10/10 - 12/24/10), Tom Frisch  (12/24/10 - 11/2/11)
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LOAF'S LOAFS is an American soccer club originating in Pennsylvania, more specifically in the suburban-Philadelphia area. It plays its home games at The Bakery in Series V.54, USA. The team's only rival is Battle Toads FC (BTFC). Scarves and bottle openers are available at our online store for painfully high prices.
The Loaf
How it all went down
LOAF'S LOAFS came about as its founder/creator was eating a large, slightly burnt, and extremely tasty sandwich in his dorm room during his senior year of college. Upon completion of the sandwich, he initially wanted to buy his own team in Italy's Lega Pro Prima Divisione from his savings mowing lawns during the summer, but figured HT would be a good, slightly less risky indicator as to whether he could do it in real life, too
Current squad
| Nat. | Player | Goals | Hattricks | NT | U20 | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
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Russ Werewolf Fontaine 
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Owns a corn farm in Nebraska |
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Emmanuel Chávez
|
128 | 5 | 0 | 0 | Served 2 years in prison for Drug Trafficking |
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Peer Hansen
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21 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Has 2 children with Tennis Star Caroline Wozniacki |
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Darryl Wilks
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2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Started losing his hair at age 12 |
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Thibaud Lucas
|
87 | 7 | 0 | 0 | Wears 3 shirts under his jersey due to embarrassment of large nipples |
|
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Cary Dobson
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9 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Once shaved unibrow at a benefit fundraising event, raised $300,000 |
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Emil Jopek
|
104 | 9 | 0 | 0 | Has dedicated his next 25 goals to his dog, Cassy |
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Jason Fortier
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7 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Has been married 6 times |
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Guido Alvisi
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16 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Balances football career with recurring role on MTV's "The Jersey Shore" |
|
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Mikey Balsiger
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16 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Does not know the capital of the USA |
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Edgar Engelen
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8 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Mother was a prostitute |
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Miroslav Žerak
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Used to wear a monocle |
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Frederic Zorro Busquets
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22 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Hosts a children's educational series, shown weekly on PBS |
|
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Austin March
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8 | 1 | 0 | 0 | Is black. |
|
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Àlex Jové
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171 | 11 | 0 | 0 | Thinks Mexicans speak jibberish. |
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Leif Bernerberg
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54 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Remembers when he used to matter to soccer teams. |
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Niklas Koch
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72 | 8 | 0 | 0 | Single-season goal scoring record holder with 21 |
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Ryan Urner
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78 | 8 | 0 | 0 | LOAF'S all-time goal scoring record holder with 63 |
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Andrey Stoyanov
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54 | 5 | 0 | 0 | Probably came here to learn English, because he sure as hell didn't come to play soccer. |
|
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Terencjusz Myszko
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12 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Trademarked "Fear the unibrow" first. |
Hall of Fame
 |
Damián Díaz
| |
|---|---|---|
| First day with club | 2010-08-10 | |
| Current occupation | Hotdog vender | |
| Was inducted in the Hall of Fame at age 30 in July 14, 2011. | ||
 |
Orestes Benavides
| |
|---|---|---|
| First day with club | 2010-08-10 | |
| Current occupation | Secretary | |
| Was inducted in the Hall of Fame at age 30 in June 22, 2012. | ||
Stadium
The Bakery is the arena of LOAF'S LOAFS. The total capacity is 29,900.
In its six seasons, it has hosted 21 concerts, including a 3-day weekend sellout by Billy Joel and an "absolutely epic, brah" concert by The Insane Clown Posse, as quoted by lead singer "Shaggy 2 Dope."
It was also home to Weedfest 2010, hosted by Ralph Nader.
Raised in the team
| Player | Goals | Hattricks | NT | U20 | Owner |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lamont Eckert
|
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Sons of the South
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| Damien McClain
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Battle Toads FC
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| Billy Holmes
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11 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Haka Sharks
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| Brett Horner
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | dinamo fleming
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| Chet Davison
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5 | 0 | 0 | 0 | powereturn
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| Elí Dávila
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1 | 0 | 0 | 0 |  EVOSMOS CITY
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| Gerard Harman
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7 | 0 | 0 | 0 |  FK Snorkijevci
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| Luke Doughty
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Füsse Gottes I
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| Maximiliano Morales
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3 | 0 | 0 | 0 |  The Neyd Squad
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| Ray Chrimat
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Milan A.C. Włocławek
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| Richard Irvin
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0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Red Devils AFC
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| Torquato Righini
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2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | BK Myggen
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| Zack Yang
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2 | 0 | 0 | 0 |  FC Koperdajad
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Managers Supporting Team
Flag Collection
Home
Arena The Bakery has hosted teams from 15 of 128 countries.
Away
LOAF'S LOAFS has visited 37 of 128 countries.
The Derby
Every team needs a rival, but some teams simply take it too far. The infamous derby is between Battle Toads FC and our very own LOAF'S LOAFS. The first match ever played dates back to September 16th, 2010. A total of 14 matches have been played, the last one in March, 2012, in the Baker's Dozen Tournament.
History
Career Head to Head
| Team | Total wins | Total wins | Team |
|---|---|---|---|
|
10 | 6 | 
|
Statistics
| Date | Type | Venue | Score | Winner | Goals | Series to date |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 9-16-2010 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Urner (1), Brych (1), Gamarra (1) | 1-0 LL W1 |
| 10-14-2010 | Friendly | The Bakery | 3-2 | LL | Urner (2), Sherril (1, 2), Lytle (1), Andersz (1) | 2-0 LL W2 |
| 11-8-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 4-1 | BTFC | Lorion (1), Mosley (1), Nicoló (1), Kansala (1), Vahasaari (1) | 2-1 LL L1 |
| 12-6-2010 | Series | Deez Memorial | 7-1 | BTFC | Nicoló (2), Mosley (2,3,4), Andersz (2,3,4), Benavides | 2-2 L2 |
| 1-6-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 0-1 | BTFC | Sampayo (1) 105' | 3-2 BTFC W3 |
| 3-7-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Visentin (1), Carmo (1), Aranda (1) | 3-3 W1 |
| 3-10-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 2-0 | BTFC | Kansala (2), Lorion (2) | 4-3 BTFC W1 |
| 4-18-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-5 | LL | Ulstrup (1), Aranda (2), Koch (1), Ciesielski (1), Vahasaari (2) | 4-4 W1 |
| 6-6-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Urner (3), Holmes (1), Koch (2) | 5-4 LL W2 |
| 7-7-2011 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-0 | LL | Ulstrup (2) | 6-4 LL W3 |
| 8-8-2011 | Series | The Bakery | 3-0 | LL | Lucas (1), Ciesielski (2), Visentin (2) | 7-4 LL W4 |
| 9-26-2011 | Series | Deez Memorial | 0-3 | LL | Lucas (2), Visentin (3), Urner (4) | 8-4 LL W5 |
| 10-27-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 3-1 | BTFC | Koch (3), Mosley (5), Swartz (1), Nasierowski (1) | 8-5 LL L1 |
| 12-8-2011 | Friendly | Deez Memorial | 0-2 | LL | Visentin (4), Benavides (1) | 9-5 LL W1 |
| 2-16-2012 | Friendly | The Bakery | 1-1 (3-4) | BTFC | Balsiger (2), Loeffen (1) | 9-6 LL L1 |
| 4-16-2012 | Tournament | Neutral | 3-0 | LL | Harman (2), Alvisi (1) | 10-6 LL W1 |
| Series Play | Friendly Play | Tournament Play | Most Recent Winner | Top scorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 5-2 (LL +8) | 4-4 (LL +1) | 1-0 (LL +3) | LL (3-0 Tournament) | Johnny Visentin | 3 |
Conflict
A total of 26 lives have been lost during the constant feuding that revolves around a LL - BTFC confrontation. A memorial is dedicated to those lost during what has been coined as "The Tight Butthole Derby," located in Tempe, Arizona. The memorial receives over 1 million visitors yearly in what has been called "The most tragic of all sports rivalries" by Sports Illustrated.
Season Breakdowns
Season 43
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 4th in VI.766 | 1st round | none | Ryan Urner | 8 |
Season 43 started out "with a bang", as quoted by first-ever team captain/raging alcoholic Lee Ernest. I don't think he was referring to the actual soccer season.
The team battled with injuries and shared women as conflict swept through the locker room quicker than the team's rare strand of herpes. The "C" was stripped from Goalkeeper Ernest and given to Terencjusz "Terrence" Myszko, who served as captain for next 2 seasons.
The team finished a morbid but eager 4th place, with an aggregate of +22 goals and 23 points, but a disappointing 2nd leg loss in "The Derby" as LL got mopped up and swatted away by cross-town rivals, Battle Toads FC.
Season 44
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 44 | 3rd in VI.766 | 2nd round | none | Ryan Urner | 16 |
LL added key young components to its midfield as well as a new coach in Swiss (cheese) phenom Tom Frisch.
Absolute mayhem swept the streets of LOAFVILLE, PA as the team took the 1st round of the US Open Cup in stunning yet controversial fashion. In the 27' against Bluesters United, a streaker was seen running across the field, but refs refused to blow the whistle. Rafa Aranda took advantage of this mishap and netted a goal to go up 3-0, which was even too big for LL to blow.
A modest 3rd place, 31 point finish was in store for season 44, again splitting against rival BTFC, but winning its last 2 games against BTFC and perennial league VI giant/assgoblin UM Terps.
What would 45 have in store for the Loaf...
Season 45
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 2nd in VI.766 | 1st round | none | Ryan Urner/Niklas Koch | 16 |
Season 45 started in the shitter and ended...in the shitter. The team cruised most of the season, taking the all-important 1-2 matchup at UM Terps and entering the second half of the season ready to host the same team. The manager, unfortunately, forgot to show up because he entered a bar just 3 hours prior to gametime and did not come out until a week later.
The team dropped the ever-decisive match, and therefore finished the season in a tie for first with UM Terps, but well behind in aggregate. Another season was yet in store for LL in this shitter of USA.
Season 46
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 46 | 1st in VI.766 | 2nd round |   |
Niklas Koch | 21 |
During the offseason, Middy great Mikael Ulstrap was sold off for more than $2 million to make way for the transfers of Peer Hansen and Edgar Engelen, 2 dominant young defenders who would go on to have shut down seasons, allowing a total of 6 goals (0 at home).
FOCUS, preached Coach Frisch at the beginning of the season, and focus they did for 14 straight weeks. The table had been ran. LL pulled off the undefeated season. Aside from a 3-2 narrow victory in week 1, no team had come within 3 goals of defeating the series VI powerhouse.
With an aggregate of +81, the team was directly promoted to series V.54, riding on the coattails of IMs Gualtiero Moneta, Johnny Visentin, and young Italian phenom Guido Avisi.
Season 47
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 47 | 4th in V.54 | 3rd Round | None | Ryan Urner/Thibaud Lucas | 3 |
The Yeast Army multiplied like bunnies during the offseason. After a 1st round win over a robot, LL management brought in 19 year old [Russ Fontaine] to main the gate, a position LL lacked since...the beginning of time.
In its first contest ever in series V, LL took down other direct promotion opponent, Gate 13, in a 2-0 hard-fought away match.
The team set another franchise milestone on November 10th, 2011 with a 1-0 (Hansen 76') victory at The Bakery against Terabytes, advancing to the 3rd round of the US Open Cup for the first time ever.
On the weekend of week 2, LL's usual intra-team drama began. 19 year-old surfing entrepreneur Mikey Balsiger failed to throw out a used happy tissue and accidentally left it in front of Rafa Aranda's locker. This was seen by the team as a hate crime, and the team broke out into a fight; minorities vs. white people.
After a week 2 win over yet another first-time series V team, LL improved to 2-0 on the season, shattering franchise records for consecutive wins as well as national rank, as seen below.
In the final game of the season, in front of a sold out crowd at the Bakery, song writer/singer/international hunk Mike Posner performed his new single "Gettin' High at The Bakery" during the halftime spectacle. The team fought on unsuccessfully, losing 0-1 to drop to 4th place overall in their inaugural season in Series V.
Season 48
| Season | League | US Open Cup | Trophies | Top goalscorer | Goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 48 | 3rd place in V.54 | 4th Round | None | Àlex Jové | 11 |
Following a week 2 win over Jerkin It F.C., LL peaked at its highest ranking ever ((950), later broken as they ascended to 851)), as well as reaching the most successful ranking of any team started in week 1 of season 43.
The team remained in first place for the first 6 weeks of the season, until being beaten in back-to-back matches by FC Deich, falling to 2nd and 3rd place in consecutive weeks. The team currently sits in 4th place following a string of poor performances.
Thanks
This page was originally created by RUKENT, thanks for his great work!
Thanks to Unknown_Guy for his Wiki-CHPP application HT-Mess
