LOAF'S LOAFS

LOAF'S LOAFS (228010)

The LOAF'S LOAFS Unofficial Logo, featuring its slogan "LONG LIVE THE LOAF," also known simply as "LLTL"
Birthdate	08.10.2010
Country	USA
Region	Pennsylvania
Zone	North America
Stadium	The Bakery
Rival	Battle Toads FC
Fan club	The Yeast Army (1900 Fans as of 3/12/12)
League	V.54 (USA)
Home Match Kits
Home Match Kits
Current Coach	Terencjusz "Terrence" Myszko (Since 11-2-11)
Past Coaches	George Strange (08/10/10 - 12/24/10), Tom Frisch (12/24/10 - 11/2/11)

LOAF'S LOAFS is an American soccer club originating in Pennsylvania, more specifically in the suburban-Philadelphia area. It plays its home games at The Bakery in Series V.54, USA. The team's only rival is Battle Toads FC (BTFC). Scarves and bottle openers are available at our online store for painfully high prices.

The Loaf

How it all went down

LOAF'S LOAFS came about as its founder/creator was eating a large, slightly burnt, and extremely tasty sandwich in his dorm room during his senior year of college. Upon completion of the sandwich, he initially wanted to buy his own team in Italy's Lega Pro Prima Divisione from his savings mowing lawns during the summer, but figured HT would be a good, slightly less risky indicator as to whether he could do it in real life, too

Current squad

Nat.	Player	Goals	Hattricks	NT	U20	Comment
	Russ Werewolf Fontaine	0	0	0	0	Owns a corn farm in Nebraska
	Emmanuel Chávez	128	5	0	0	Served 2 years in prison for Drug Trafficking
	Peer Hansen	21	1	0	0	Has 2 children with Tennis Star Caroline Wozniacki
	Darryl Wilks	2	0	0	0	Started losing his hair at age 12
	Thibaud Lucas	87	7	0	0	Wears 3 shirts under his jersey due to embarrassment of large nipples
	Cary Dobson	9	0	0	0	Once shaved unibrow at a benefit fundraising event, raised $300,000
	Emil Jopek	104	9	0	0	Has dedicated his next 25 goals to his dog, Cassy
	Jason Fortier	7	0	0	0	Has been married 6 times
	Guido Alvisi	16	0	0	0	Balances football career with recurring role on MTV's "The Jersey Shore"
	Mikey Balsiger	16	1	0	0	Does not know the capital of the USA
	Edgar Engelen	8	0	0	0	Mother was a prostitute
	Miroslav Žerak	0	0	0	0	Used to wear a monocle
	Frederic Zorro Busquets	22	1	0	0	Hosts a children's educational series, shown weekly on PBS
	Austin March	8	1	0	0	Is black.
	Àlex Jové	171	11	0	0	Thinks Mexicans speak jibberish.
	Leif Bernerberg	54	0	0	0	Remembers when he used to matter to soccer teams.
	Niklas Koch	72	8	0	0	Single-season goal scoring record holder with 21
	Ryan Urner	78	8	0	0	LOAF'S all-time goal scoring record holder with 63
	Andrey Stoyanov	54	5	0	0	Probably came here to learn English, because he sure as hell didn't come to play soccer.
	Terencjusz Myszko	12	0	0	0	Trademarked "Fear the unibrow" first.

Hall of Fame

	Damián Díaz
	First day with club	2010-08-10
	Current occupation	Hotdog vender
	Was inducted in the Hall of Fame at age 30 in July 14, 2011.

	Orestes Benavides
	First day with club	2010-08-10
	Current occupation	Secretary
	Was inducted in the Hall of Fame at age 30 in June 22, 2012.

Stadium

The Bakery is the arena of LOAF'S LOAFS. The total capacity is 29,900.

In its six seasons, it has hosted 21 concerts, including a 3-day weekend sellout by Billy Joel and an "absolutely epic, brah" concert by The Insane Clown Posse, as quoted by lead singer "Shaggy 2 Dope."

It was also home to Weedfest 2010, hosted by Ralph Nader.

Raised in the team

Player	Goals	Hattricks	NT	U20	Owner
Lamont Eckert	0	0	0	0	Sons of the South
Damien McClain	0	0	0	0	Battle Toads FC
Billy Holmes	11	0	0	0	Haka Sharks
Brett Horner	0	0	0	0	dinamo fleming
Chet Davison	5	0	0	0	powereturn
Elí Dávila	1	0	0	0	EVOSMOS CITY
Gerard Harman	7	0	0	0	FK Snorkijevci
Luke Doughty	0	0	0	0	Füsse Gottes I
Maximiliano Morales	3	0	0	0	The Neyd Squad
Ray Chrimat	0	0	0	0	Milan A.C. Włocławek
Richard Irvin	0	0	0	0	Red Devils AFC
Torquato Righini	2	0	0	0	BK Myggen
Zack Yang	2	0	0	0	FC Koperdajad

Managers Supporting Team

	User	Team	League
	ronin48 icon	First Shock Battalion	V.206
	JengibreNAK icon	Swansea Denver AFC	V.230
	DonBondscoach icon	R.S.V. Hion	VIII.555
	Arphexa icon	Jenever FC	V.135
	kazaam026 icon	Battle Toads FC	VI.766

Flag Collection

Home

Arena The Bakery has hosted teams from 15 of 128 countries.

Away

LOAF'S LOAFS has visited 37 of 128 countries.

The Derby

Every team needs a rival, but some teams simply take it too far. The infamous Tight Butthole Derby is between Battle Toads FC and our very own LOAF'S LOAFS. The first match ever played dates back to September 16th, 2010. A total of 14 matches have been played, the last one in March, 2012, in the Baker's Dozen Tournament.

History

Career Head to Head

Team	Total wins	Total wins	Team
	10	7

Statistics

Date	Type	Venue	Score	Winner	Goals	Series to date
9-16-2010	Friendly	Deez Memorial	0-3	LL	Urner (1), Brych (1), Gamarra (1)	1-0 LL W1
10-14-2010	Friendly	The Bakery	3-2	LL	Urner (2), Sherril (1, 2), Lytle (1), Andersz (1)	2-0 LL W2
11-8-2010	Series	Deez Memorial	4-1	BTFC	Lorion (1), Mosley (1), Nicoló (1), Kansala (1), Vahasaari (1)	2-1 LL L1
12-6-2010	Series	Deez Memorial	7-1	BTFC	Nicoló (2), Mosley (2,3,4), Andersz (2,3,4), Benavides	2-2 L2
1-6-2011	Friendly	The Bakery	0-1	BTFC	Sampayo (1) 105'	3-2 BTFC W3
3-7-2011	Series	The Bakery	3-0	LL	Visentin (1), Carmo (1), Aranda (1)	3-3 W1
3-10-2011	Friendly	Deez Memorial	2-0	BTFC	Kansala (2), Lorion (2)	4-3 BTFC W1
4-18-2011	Series	Deez Memorial	0-5	LL	Ulstrup (1), Aranda (2), Koch (1), Ciesielski (1), Vahasaari (2)	4-4 W1
6-6-2011	Series	The Bakery	3-0	LL	Urner (3), Holmes (1), Koch (2)	5-4 LL W2
7-7-2011	Friendly	The Bakery	1-0	LL	Ulstrup (2)	6-4 LL W3
8-8-2011	Series	The Bakery	3-0	LL	Lucas (1), Ciesielski (2), Visentin (2)	7-4 LL W4
9-26-2011	Series	Deez Memorial	0-3	LL	Lucas (2), Visentin (3), Urner (4)	8-4 LL W5
10-27-2011	Friendly	Deez Memorial	3-1	BTFC	Koch (3), Mosley (5), Swartz (1), Nasierowski (1)	8-5 LL L1
12-8-2011	Friendly	Deez Memorial	0-2	LL	Visentin (4), Benavides (1)	9-5 LL W1
2-16-2012	Friendly	The Bakery	1-1 (3-4)	BTFC	Balsiger (2), Loeffen (1)	9-6 LL L1
4-16-2012	Tournament	Neutral	3-0	LL	Harman (2), Alvisi (1)	10-6 LL W1
9-27-2012	Friendly	Deez Memorial	1-0 (114')	BTFC	Mosley (6)	10-7 LL W1

Series Play	Friendly Play	Tournament Play	Most Recent Winner	Top scorer	Goals
5-2 (LL +8)	4-5 (Even)	1-0 (LL +3)	LL (3-0 Tournament)	Scott Mosley	5

Conflict

A total of 26 lives have been lost during the constant feuding that revolves around a LL - BTFC confrontation. A memorial is dedicated to those lost during what has been coined as "The Tight Butthole Derby," located in Tempe, Arizona. The memorial receives over 1 million visitors yearly in what has been called "The most tragic of all sports rivalries" by Sports Illustrated.

Season Breakdowns

Season 43

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
43	4th in VI.766	1st round	none	Ryan Urner	8

Season 43 started out "with a bang", as quoted by first-ever team captain/raging alcoholic Lee Ernest. I don't think he was referring to the actual soccer season.

The team battled with injuries and shared women as conflict swept through the locker room quicker than the team's rare strand of herpes. The "C" was stripped from Goalkeeper Ernest and given to Terencjusz "Terrence" Myszko, who served as captain for next 2 seasons.

The team finished a morbid but eager 4th place, with an aggregate of +22 goals and 23 points, but a disappointing 2nd leg loss in "The Derby" as LL got mopped up and swatted away by cross-town rivals, Battle Toads FC.

Season 44

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
44	3rd in VI.766	2nd round	none	Ryan Urner	16

LL added key young components to its midfield as well as a new coach in Swiss (cheese) phenom Tom Frisch.

Absolute mayhem swept the streets of LOAFVILLE, PA as the team took the 1st round of the US Open Cup in stunning yet controversial fashion. In the 27' against Bluesters United, a streaker was seen running across the field, but refs refused to blow the whistle. Rafa Aranda took advantage of this mishap and netted a goal to go up 3-0, which was even too big for LL to blow.

A modest 3rd place, 31 point finish was in store for season 44, again splitting against rival BTFC, but winning its last 2 games against BTFC and perennial league VI giant/assgoblin UM Terps.

What would 45 have in store for the Loaf...

Season 45

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
45	2nd in VI.766	1st round	none	Ryan Urner/Niklas Koch	16

Season 45 started in the shitter and ended...in the shitter. The team cruised most of the season, taking the all-important 1-2 matchup at UM Terps and entering the second half of the season ready to host the same team. The manager, unfortunately, forgot to show up because he entered a bar just 3 hours prior to gametime and did not come out until a week later.

The team dropped the ever-decisive match, and therefore finished the season in a tie for first with UM Terps, but well behind in aggregate. Another season was yet in store for LL in this shitter of USA.

Season 46

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
46	1st in VI.766	2nd round		Niklas Koch	21

During the offseason, Middy great Mikael Ulstrap was sold off for more than $2 million to make way for the transfers of Peer Hansen and Edgar Engelen, 2 dominant young defenders who would go on to have shut down seasons, allowing a total of 6 goals (0 at home).

FOCUS, preached Coach Frisch at the beginning of the season, and focus they did for 14 straight weeks. The table had been ran. LL pulled off the undefeated season. Aside from a 3-2 narrow victory in week 1, no team had come within 3 goals of defeating the series VI powerhouse.

With an aggregate of +81, the team was directly promoted to series V.54, riding on the coattails of IMs Gualtiero Moneta, Johnny Visentin, and young Italian phenom Guido Avisi.

Season 47

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
47	4th in V.54	3rd Round	None	Ryan Urner/Thibaud Lucas	3

The Yeast Army multiplied like bunnies during the offseason. After a 1st round win over a robot, LL management brought in 19 year old [Russ Fontaine] to main the gate, a position LL lacked since...the beginning of time.

In its first contest ever in series V, LL took down other direct promotion opponent, Gate 13, in a 2-0 hard-fought away match.

The team set another franchise milestone on November 10th, 2011 with a 1-0 (Hansen 76') victory at The Bakery against Terabytes, advancing to the 3rd round of the US Open Cup for the first time ever.

On the weekend of week 2, LL's usual intra-team drama began. 19 year-old surfing entrepreneur Mikey Balsiger failed to throw out a used happy tissue and accidentally left it in front of Rafa Aranda's locker. This was seen by the team as a hate crime, and the team broke out into a fight; minorities vs. white people.

After a week 2 win over yet another first-time series V team, LL improved to 2-0 on the season, shattering franchise records for consecutive wins as well as national rank, as seen below.

In the final game of the season, in front of a sold out crowd at the Bakery, song writer/singer/international hunk Mike Posner performed his new single "Gettin' High at The Bakery" during the halftime spectacle. The team fought on unsuccessfully, losing 0-1 to drop to 4th place overall in their inaugural season in Series V.

Season 48

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
48	3rd place in V.54	4th Round	None	Àlex Jové	11

Following a week 2 win over Jerkin It F.C., LL peaked at its highest ranking ever ((950), later broken as they ascended to 851)), as well as reaching the most successful ranking of any team started in week 1 of season 43.

The team remained in first place for the first 6 weeks of the season, until being beaten in back-to-back matches by FC Deich, falling to 2nd and 3rd place in consecutive weeks. The team currently sits in 4th place following a string of poor performances.

Season 49

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
49	3rd place in V.54	4th Round	None	Frederic Busquets/Emil Jopek	8

The team sandbagged through the first four weeks, winning just 1 match and losing the rest. After this, due to an inspirational speech by Coach Myszko written by Jeff Goldblum's housemaid, the team turned it around and managed to take the next 9 matches, staging a final week 14 matchup against 1st place San Marcos Revolutionaries. The match, on the road for LL, was a winner-take-all between first and second place. Rev's shot out to a 2-1 lead as 3 goals were scored in the first 9 minutes of the match, and at the half the teams went into the locker rooms at a 3-2 lead in favor of the Revs. In the 54th minute, the lead was widened to 4-2, and all the LOAF'S could manage was a 4-3 loss as the Cindarella run ended at the final minute.

Season 50

Season	League	US Open Cup	Trophies	Top goalscorer	Goals
50	Unknown place in V.54	Unknown	None	Unknown	0

Thanks

This page was originally created by RUKENT, thanks for his great work!
Thanks to Unknown_Guy for his Wiki-CHPP application HT-Mess